So we kinda had the talk
Me and my newish girlfriend
We’d been friends for years
But only lovers for a few months
It felt silly
We were spending nearly every waking moment together
Sleeping moments too
There’s no way either of us could have been seeing anyone else
I mean, the logistics alone
But you gotta have the talk anyway
The exclusivity talk
Because it’s the right thing to do
So we checked that box
And it was time to lose the condoms
But for one thing: STD tests
I figured I was fine
But it had been a bit
And I didn’t know what to expect
But I would be willing to put up with nearly anything
If it meant throwing away the condoms
So what I came to find out
Is that my doctor offers two kinds of STD tests
One is for the more-or-less normative folks
And one is let’s say for people who are more
Adventurous
I could have just said
Gimme the full MaGilla!
But instead I asked some sort of stupid question
In return I was treated to a lecture
During which time I learned
That there are at least three different kinds of herpes:
Oral herpes
Genital herpes
And anal herpes
Well that’s all fine and good
But then the doctor told me about butt herpes
Showing up in the mouth
And mouth herpes showing up on the penis
My head was spinning
Just gimme everything you got!
So the doctor hands me a small pile of paraphernalia
Pee in this cup
Spit in that one
All fairly straightforward
But then the doctor pauses
And gives me a serious face
She picks up a clear plastic vial
With a thin green stick inside
On the end of the stick was an innocent
Little white orb
Of what appeared to be soft fabric
Like a cotton swab
But also not like a cotton swab
In several important ways
Have you used one of these before?
She asks me
But I’ve never even seen one of these before
So no
Soon, however, I find out
Via more lecturing
That this is an anal swab
Ya know, to check for:
Mouth herpes in my butt
Genital herpes in my butt
Anal herpes in my butt
(At least they’re where they belong)
And also anything else that might
Be living in my butt
The doctor is nice so she says
I can do this for you
But no
Like a fucking hero
Of course I want to do it myself
So the doctor sends me off
To the bathroom
With my paraphernalia
But she stops me
Do you see this little line?
She was pointing to the ominous vial
With the sickly green monster q-tip
The anal swab
She had my full attention
But I didn’t see a line
Maybe a tiny score
Or perforation
Just make sure to hold the swab above the line
See if I didn’t
The anal swab could break off
And then I’d have a sickly-green monster q-tip end
Stuck up my butt
Chilling with the herpes
The ones that belong there
And also maybe the ones from all the other places
So I venture off to the bathroom
Fortunately I have the whole thing to myself
I lock the door
I unpack all the paraphernalia
I do all the easy stuff
Pee in this cup
Spit in that one
Finally it’s just me
And the sickly-green monster q-tip
I unpack the swab
And hold it inches from my face
Trying hard to find that line
The little line that could mean the difference between
Me having a foreign object stuck up my butt
And just me
So I find the line
And I take hold of the monster q-tip
Above the line
So important to be above the line
I’m holding the green swab so tightly
That my fingernails are starting to turn red
I lower my boxer briefs
And carefully bring the swab to where
I thought it was supposed to go
At this juncture I realize
I have a problem
Because first off
I don’t have a rear-view mirror
So I can’t see a goddamn thing
Secondly: butt cheeks, sphincter, scrotum, anus
Whatever the hell else is down there
It all kinda feels the same
When poking at it
With a giant q-tip
And praying the fucking thing doesn’t break!
But I’m thinking less about that problem
And more about how on god’s green earth
I was going to get this swab up my ass
With one hand on the door handle
And the other clamped down on the swab
Above the line
Always above the line
I squatted down
Smarting
As some part of my junk
For lack of a better term
Made contact with the cold bathroom floor
A few pokes here
And a few more pokes there
And finally it hurt in just the right kind of way
To alert me that the swab had breached the dam
I’m also pretty sure that I’m bleeding at this point
Which I confirm when
After a few twists
I remove the swab and drop the horror show
Into the clear plastic vial
It would be several more days
Before getting my test results
And no, I don’t have herpes
Not the resident herpes
Nor the traveling ones
And thank my lucky stars
I don’t have anything else
So we threw away the condoms
But that’s another story
Perhaps for another day
That night though
When I first came home
From my STD tests
It was late November
Cold and rainy
I told my newish girlfriend
A similar version of the above story
At the end
Once she finished laughing
She only had one thing to say
It was a question in fact:
They didn’t tell you to dip yours in water first?
