Because our Relationship was Perfect

She told me it was over

Not even twelve hours ago

So I’m cleaning my apartment

Like a man on a mission

Because maybe it makes me feel better

But my heart is dangling above the floor by an artery

And I’m smacking it around with the vacuum

The hole in my chest hurts

And the tears

They start

First softly, little sobs

Then I’m really wailing

Fucking getting into it

Enough vacuuming!

The carpets were clean already

I kinda stop crying

Because I sounded pathetic

I open the drawer in my bedside table for no reason

Condoms, a whole box of condoms we never opened

She used to say it was like having a plastic bag stuffed inside her

We never used condoms

Because our relationship was perfect

But I’ll get to that

Right now I’m just so fucking sad

The condoms expire at the end of next month

I better get busy

But I don’t even want to think about that

It makes my stomach hurt

It feels gross

Like cheating on her!

I never cheated on her

Remember? I said our relationship was perfect

But I’ll get to that

There’s a little book about grammar in the drawer

Anguished English, it’s called

Somebody thinks they’re fucking clever

You know, it’s the kind of book that seems like a good idea when you buy it

At some car wash gift shop that’s trying to be fancy

And then you start to read it

You know she liked to buy books too

Read a few pages

And then forget about them

She liked to throw herself at men too

Sleep with them a few times

And then forget about them

She used condoms for them

They stuffed plastic bags inside her

But not me

Not us

We were different

Our relationship was perfect

It was


Stop thinking about her

You’re obsessed

She’s gone

Grow a pair!

So I pick up this book

I’m ready to throw it away

Because it’s stupid

But I always feel bad throwing away books

Like I’m making the world even stupider

Like I’m giving up on mankind

I didn’t give up on her

Our relationship was perfect!


Then I see a piece of paper sticking out

It’s a note she hid in this stupid book

Oh shit it’s from ten months ago

So now who’s the asshole?

I mean I guess she could have picked a better book

Whatever I mostly read on my phone anyway

So this note

It has hearts and I love yous and stuff

And she called me by my full name

Nobody uses my full name

Not even my own mother

She has her own name for me

She tucked a love note in a book

That’s sweet!

Because our relationship was perfect, remember?

But then there’s this part in the note about how my singing voice is different

When I’m playing piano with my daughter

And how I seem more relaxed when my kid’s around

Wait now doesn’t that sound jealous?

Like I didn’t have room in my heart for a daughter and a lover

I mean I don’t now because it’s on the floor

Dangling by a fucking artery

But when it was in my chest I did

Four months after she wrote the note I never read

I took her to New York and proposed

And she said yes!

The very next day, I took her to see The Waitress

I cried then too, but the tears felt different

When my heart was in my chest they did

So in the musical, The Waitress

There’s this stupid redneck deadbeat husband named Earl

Who beats his pregnant wife and steals her money and shit

He’s a real asshole

You’re supposed to hate him

He even got booed during his curtain call

Which I guess is a compliment

He’s either a really good actor

Or a really big asshole

Anyhow, Earl says a lot of stupid things

You know, to justify beating his pregnant wife and stuff

You’re gonna love the baby more than me, he says

That’s pretty dumb

Even dumber than writing a book called Anguished English

Even dumber than reading it

But it gets worse

She wrote in her love note:

I hope we can keep this going for as long as we can

Not I’ll love you always

Not Our relationship will stand the test of time

Not We’ll be together until the stars fall from the skies

No, none of that shit

I hope we can keep this going for as long as we can?

That’s not a love note

It’s a fucking tautology!

And a ticking time bomb

Now with my heart dangling on the floor

I’m feeling really dumb

For falling in love

And making the perfect relationship

With someone who didn’t think

Our relationship was perfect

Or even worth keeping at all

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