She told me it was over
Not even twelve hours ago
So I’m cleaning my apartment
Like a man on a mission
Because maybe it makes me feel better
But my heart is dangling above the floor by an artery
And I’m smacking it around with the vacuum
The hole in my chest hurts
And the tears
They start
First softly, little sobs
Then I’m really wailing
Fucking getting into it
Enough vacuuming!
The carpets were clean already
I kinda stop crying
Because I sounded pathetic
I open the drawer in my bedside table for no reason
Condoms, a whole box of condoms we never opened
She used to say it was like having a plastic bag stuffed inside her
We never used condoms
Because our relationship was perfect
But I’ll get to that
Right now I’m just so fucking sad
The condoms expire at the end of next month
I better get busy
But I don’t even want to think about that
It makes my stomach hurt
It feels gross
Like cheating on her!
I never cheated on her
Remember? I said our relationship was perfect
But I’ll get to that
There’s a little book about grammar in the drawer
Anguished English, it’s called
Somebody thinks they’re fucking clever
You know, it’s the kind of book that seems like a good idea when you buy it
At some car wash gift shop that’s trying to be fancy
And then you start to read it
You know she liked to buy books too
Read a few pages
And then forget about them
She liked to throw herself at men too
Sleep with them a few times
And then forget about them
She used condoms for them
They stuffed plastic bags inside her
But not me
Not us
We were different
Our relationship was perfect
It was
Fuck!
Stop thinking about her
You’re obsessed
She’s gone
Grow a pair!
So I pick up this book
I’m ready to throw it away
Because it’s stupid
But I always feel bad throwing away books
Like I’m making the world even stupider
Like I’m giving up on mankind
I didn’t give up on her
Our relationship was perfect!
Remember?
Then I see a piece of paper sticking out
It’s a note she hid in this stupid book
Oh shit it’s from ten months ago
So now who’s the asshole?
I mean I guess she could have picked a better book
Whatever I mostly read on my phone anyway
So this note
It has hearts and I love yous and stuff
And she called me by my full name
Nobody uses my full name
Not even my own mother
She has her own name for me
She tucked a love note in a book
That’s sweet!
Because our relationship was perfect, remember?
But then there’s this part in the note about how my singing voice is different
When I’m playing piano with my daughter
And how I seem more relaxed when my kid’s around
Wait now doesn’t that sound jealous?
Like I didn’t have room in my heart for a daughter and a lover
I mean I don’t now because it’s on the floor
Dangling by a fucking artery
But when it was in my chest I did
Four months after she wrote the note I never read
I took her to New York and proposed
And she said yes!
The very next day, I took her to see The Waitress
I cried then too, but the tears felt different
When my heart was in my chest they did
So in the musical, The Waitress
There’s this stupid redneck deadbeat husband named Earl
Who beats his pregnant wife and steals her money and shit
He’s a real asshole
You’re supposed to hate him
He even got booed during his curtain call
Which I guess is a compliment
He’s either a really good actor
Or a really big asshole
Anyhow, Earl says a lot of stupid things
You know, to justify beating his pregnant wife and stuff
You’re gonna love the baby more than me, he says
That’s pretty dumb
Even dumber than writing a book called Anguished English
Even dumber than reading it
But it gets worse
She wrote in her love note:
I hope we can keep this going for as long as we can
Not I’ll love you always
Not Our relationship will stand the test of time
Not We’ll be together until the stars fall from the skies
No, none of that shit
I hope we can keep this going for as long as we can?
That’s not a love note
It’s a fucking tautology!
And a ticking time bomb
Now with my heart dangling on the floor
I’m feeling really dumb
For falling in love
And making the perfect relationship
With someone who didn’t think
Our relationship was perfect
Or even worth keeping at all