Category: Personal

So we kinda had the talk

Me and my newish girlfriend

We’d been friends for years

But only lovers for a few months

It felt silly

We were spending nearly every waking moment together

Sleeping moments too

There’s no way either of us could have been seeing anyone else

I mean, the logistics alone

But you gotta have the talk anyway

The exclusivity talk

Because it’s the right thing to do

So we checked that box

And it was time to lose the condoms

But for one thing: STD tests

I figured I was fine

But it had been a bit

And I didn’t know what to expect

But I would be willing to put up with nearly anything

If it meant throwing away the condoms

So what I came to find out

Is that my doctor offers two kinds of STD tests

One is for the more-or-less normative folks

And one is let’s say for people who are more

Adventurous

I could have just said

Gimme the full MaGilla!

But instead I asked some sort of stupid question

In return I was treated to a lecture

During which time I learned

That there are at least three different kinds of herpes:

Oral herpes

Genital herpes

And anal herpes

Well that’s all fine and good

But then the doctor told me about butt herpes

Showing up in the mouth

And mouth herpes showing up on the penis

My head was spinning

Just gimme everything you got!

So the doctor hands me a small pile of paraphernalia

Pee in this cup

Spit in that one

All fairly straightforward

But then the doctor pauses

And gives me a serious face

She picks up a clear plastic vial

With a thin green stick inside

On the end of the stick was an innocent

Little white orb

Of what appeared to be soft fabric

Like a cotton swab

But also not like a cotton swab

In several important ways

Have you used one of these before?

She asks me

But I’ve never even seen one of these before

So no

Soon, however, I find out

Via more lecturing

That this is an anal swab

Ya know, to check for:

Mouth herpes in my butt

Genital herpes in my butt

Anal herpes in my butt

(At least they’re where they belong)

And also anything else that might

Be living in my butt

The doctor is nice so she says

I can do this for you

But no

Like a fucking hero

Of course I want to do it myself

So the doctor sends me off

To the bathroom

With my paraphernalia

But she stops me

Do you see this little line?

She was pointing to the ominous vial

With the sickly green monster q-tip

The anal swab

She had my full attention

But I didn’t see a line

Maybe a tiny score

Or perforation

Just make sure to hold the swab above the line

See if I didn’t

The anal swab could break off

And then I’d have a sickly-green monster q-tip end

Stuck up my butt

Chilling with the herpes

The ones that belong there

And also maybe the ones from all the other places

So I venture off to the bathroom

Fortunately I have the whole thing to myself

I lock the door

I unpack all the paraphernalia

I do all the easy stuff

Pee in this cup

Spit in that one

Finally it’s just me

And the sickly-green monster q-tip

I unpack the swab

And hold it inches from my face

Trying hard to find that line

The little line that could mean the difference between

Me having a foreign object stuck up my butt

And just me

So I find the line

And I take hold of the monster q-tip

Above the line

So important to be above the line

I’m holding the green swab so tightly

That my fingernails are starting to turn red

I lower my boxer briefs

And carefully bring the swab to where

I thought it was supposed to go

At this juncture I realize

I have a problem

Because first off

I don’t have a rear-view mirror

So I can’t see a goddamn thing

Secondly: butt cheeks, sphincter, scrotum, anus

Whatever the hell else is down there

It all kinda feels the same

When poking at it

With a giant q-tip

And praying the fucking thing doesn’t break!

But I’m thinking less about that problem

And more about how on god’s green earth

I was going to get this swab up my ass

With one hand on the door handle

And the other clamped down on the swab

Above the line

Always above the line

I squatted down

Smarting

As some part of my junk

For lack of a better term

Made contact with the cold bathroom floor

A few pokes here

And a few more pokes there

And finally it hurt in just the right kind of way

To alert me that the swab had breached the dam

I’m also pretty sure that I’m bleeding at this point

Which I confirm when

After a few twists

I remove the swab and drop the horror show

Into the clear plastic vial

It would be several more days

Before getting my test results

And no, I don’t have herpes

Not the resident herpes

Nor the traveling ones

And thank my lucky stars

I don’t have anything else

So we threw away the condoms

But that’s another story

Perhaps for another day

That night though

When I first came home

From my STD tests

It was late November

Cold and rainy

I told my newish girlfriend

A similar version of the above story

At the end

Once she finished laughing

She only had one thing to say

It was a question in fact:

They didn’t tell you to dip yours in water first?

She told me it was over

Not even twelve hours ago

So I’m cleaning my apartment

Like a man on a mission

Because maybe it makes me feel better

But my heart is dangling above the floor by an artery

And I’m smacking it around with the vacuum

The hole in my chest hurts

And the tears

They start

First softly, little sobs

Then I’m really wailing

Fucking getting into it

Enough vacuuming!

The carpets were clean already

I kinda stop crying

Because I sounded pathetic

I open the drawer in my bedside table for no reason

Condoms, a whole box of condoms we never opened

She used to say it was like having a plastic bag stuffed inside her

We never used condoms

Because our relationship was perfect

But I’ll get to that

Right now I’m just so fucking sad

The condoms expire at the end of next month

I better get busy

But I don’t even want to think about that

It makes my stomach hurt

It feels gross

Like cheating on her!

I never cheated on her

Remember? I said our relationship was perfect

But I’ll get to that

There’s a little book about grammar in the drawer

Anguished English, it’s called

Somebody thinks they’re fucking clever

You know, it’s the kind of book that seems like a good idea when you buy it

At some car wash gift shop that’s trying to be fancy

And then you start to read it

You know she liked to buy books too

Read a few pages

And then forget about them

She liked to throw herself at men too

Sleep with them a few times

And then forget about them

She used condoms for them

They stuffed plastic bags inside her

But not me

Not us

We were different

Our relationship was perfect

It was

Fuck!

Stop thinking about her

You’re obsessed

She’s gone

Grow a pair!

So I pick up this book

I’m ready to throw it away

Because it’s stupid

But I always feel bad throwing away books

Like I’m making the world even stupider

Like I’m giving up on mankind

I didn’t give up on her

Our relationship was perfect!

Remember?

Then I see a piece of paper sticking out

It’s a note she hid in this stupid book

Oh shit it’s from ten months ago

So now who’s the asshole?

I mean I guess she could have picked a better book

Whatever I mostly read on my phone anyway

So this note

It has hearts and I love yous and stuff

And she called me by my full name

Nobody uses my full name

Not even my own mother

She has her own name for me

She tucked a love note in a book

That’s sweet!

Because our relationship was perfect, remember?

But then there’s this part in the note about how my singing voice is different

When I’m playing piano with my daughter

And how I seem more relaxed when my kid’s around

Wait now doesn’t that sound jealous?

Like I didn’t have room in my heart for a daughter and a lover

I mean I don’t now because it’s on the floor

Dangling by a fucking artery

But when it was in my chest I did

---

Four months after she wrote the note I never read

I took her to New York and proposed

And she said yes!

The very next day, I took her to see The Waitress

I cried then too, but the tears felt different

When my heart was in my chest they did

So in the musical, The Waitress

There’s this stupid redneck deadbeat husband named Earl

Who beats his pregnant wife and steals her money and shit

He’s a real asshole

You’re supposed to hate him

He even got booed during his curtain call

Which I guess is a compliment

He’s either a really good actor

Or a really big asshole

Anyhow, Earl says a lot of stupid things

You know, to justify beating his pregnant wife and stuff

You’re gonna love the baby more than me, he says

That’s pretty dumb

Even dumber than writing a book called Anguished English

Even dumber than reading it

But it gets worse

She wrote in her love note:

I hope we can keep this going for as long as we can

Not I’ll love you always

Not Our relationship will stand the test of time

Not We’ll be together until the stars fall from the skies

No, none of that shit

I hope we can keep this going for as long as we can?

That’s not a love note

It’s a fucking tautology!

And a ticking time bomb

Now with my heart dangling on the floor

I’m feeling really dumb

For falling in love

And making the perfect relationship

With someone who didn’t think

Our relationship was perfect

Or even worth keeping at all